Winding Down
As another stage of my life folds into yet another, I am faced with a decision that could change the course of my future entirely. I should not be okay with that, but it keeps me on my toes.
I got a three-month old baby kitten yesterday. I set out to find a bunny like the ones I used to have, but there was only one bunny in the county it seemed, and I just couldn’t go home without this lovely little boy. His name is Foster, after Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends :). Absolutely the most well-behaved kitten I’ve ever seen- enjoy baths, will come to the shower, likes the blow dryer, poops in the litter box, plays well, listens, is very smart, and sleeps with me. He is clumsy, though— obviously my cat.
I am, after all, going back to Florida Southern in the fall. The decision came after a long, heated battle with myself about returning. Damn you, private colleges, and your “come-back-and-we’ll-give-you-this” schemes. I will enjoy it, though, I know. I do love it there.
I’m the next act
waiting in the wings
I’m a flash flood
running through your ground floor
I am all things
that you choose to ignore
You are all I need
You are all I need
I’m in the middle of a picture
Lying in the leaves
I’m a cloud of moths
who just wants to share your light
I’m an insect
who wants to get out of the night
You only stick with me
because there are no others
You are all I need
You are all I need
I’m in the middle of a picture
Lying in the leaves
It’s all wrong
It’s all right
It’s all wrong
All I Need, Radiohead
(*Video, Scotch Mist Version)
Wearing Out
The weight of this winter has suddenly come upon me. I am exhausted, I am ill, and I realize that nothing has changed since September when I set out to renovate my life. If anything, it has worsened, and you can see it on my face. Thus, it is time to try again. I have found a guide that I have needed for more than a long time, and I have found motivation to do better. The support I am getting is coming from all the places I wish it wouldn’t, but beggars can not be choosers.
My heart is somewhere it probably shouldn’t be… The way feelings are not reciprocated, I should have learned my lesson a while ago. I haven’t, however; I keep pushing, I keep putting up with. To everyone else, it is a different story than it is to me. I don’t know what to tell you, but if I’m “the best you can do,” and you actually mean that in a good way, then let the people you are just starting to talk to know that I’m the best. Let them know how “great” I supposedly am, don’t just bitch and complain about me and make them think that your life sucks! Do you like the fact that I would get on my hands and knees for you? I spend most of my time trying to make you and myself happy, when how much do you try to improve upon my day, in means other than hateful snaps and your sadistic take on how everything that went wrong was my fault?
I just want the truth. A better, brighter future has already been prepared for me and is a phone call away, but I choose to prepare one for myself. Of course I take the difficult way out.
Just my luck. The moment I realize how to be the person I used to be, and develop a new understanding for who you are, it’s done. Normally I’d just give up, but I’m not giving up on this. I can’t be without you. You are my world and mean everything to me. I have meant it every time I’ve said it. I’ll show you, I’ll prove you wrong. In the next two weeks, I hope you see that I am renewed and ready to start fresh. I love you, and I don’t want my life to be without you. I’d do anything to just be able to hold you again.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
-Reinhold Niebuhr
